That moment when....

You're bugged by a set of colleagues...bugged for fun... all in good fun... and then realise that these fun times don't last forever.. they will end.. they will change..maybe sooner or maybe later.

You have coffee with a good friend... and then realise that people can change... and you never know what could come out of this friendship... are you to be reserved and be cautious of everyone you meet because of things that a handful of people have put you through? or just do good and be you.... coz you never have wrong or bad intentions?

Someone passes a remark or says something relating to the way you look, your weight.... and it brings tears to your eyes, coz that person didn't take a moment to think that there could be a reason to why you're the way you look... there could be health problems... and other things that add to it and as much as it frustrates you on and off, hearing something like that can really get to you..

You badly want to feel a dog's love.... and have had no way of owning a pet for a while... and then you buy yogurt for the dog who lives in the office car park and feel a sense of satisfaction and inexplicable appreciation when the cute creature starts to lick away the yogurt and wags her tail every time she sees you with the look in her eyes which says or asks 'yogurt again?' :)

You are driving your car and is stuck in a traffic jam after a tiring day at work... and look at a crowded bus.. and realise how lucky and thankful you're for the comforts you have... coz what you have and may not appreciate or value could be something someone else is dreaming of getting one day..

Someone you considered a friend talks behind your back and you get to know about it... and the same person pretends like nothing ever happened and talks to you in all normality... and you wonder and watch everything you say... while in your head, a tiny voice with a touch of pain is telling you to walk away coz you will take time to forget about it...

You were just getting into a gym routine and something comes along to screw it up for you, like continuous asthma attacks all of a sudden.. and you're unable to gym for a while... and you begin to feel so unhealthy and lazy... that you start to feel crappy again and wonder when you can get back on track.. is just not fun.

One person gives you nice hugs... and you know that as much as it feels good, it's fake and will fade away at some point in time... sooner or later..

You've come to a point in life where everything that happens in life is seen to be temporary... and you wait for the bad things to go away quickly... and for the good things to come and stay on for longer... but it's the exact opposite that happens... or maybe that's just the way we feel it.

V-day's a comin

I've never really been a fan of this V-day business. It's way too commercialised and just crazy.. I think.

But the receiving of gifts is indeed nice... :-) Especially when it's from someone totally unexpected. The first time I got flowers which were delivered home; I actually freaked out coz I thought my mum would slaughter me.. but she was pretty cool about it... and this would've been about a good 10 years ago. She actually helped me keep the flowers alive for a longer time and kept asking who it was from and she was more excited and inquisitive and not at all furious. I was also still in school at that time if I remember right...

Ah.... how I wish someone would send me flowers this year... it's been a while since I received flowers, come to think of it.

Anyhoo.... I had this sudden realisation... it's almost 10 years since I left school!! That just makes me feel so old... I'm suddenly beginning to feel it.

Ok, this is just a bleaurgh post. Catch you next time with something else. :-)

For those who do celebrate V-day, hope you've a great one on the 14th! :-)

Good deeds (2)

Remember this post?

Going on from that, my mum is a very social person...talks to anyone and everyone... and she got to know this girl who works at one of the supermarkets we frequently go to and got to know that she's getting married and had no money to buy a wedding saree so was trying to see if she could hire one..


One of my cousin sisters got married for the second time and she wore a gorgeous Kandyan saree... and had told my mum that she could give it to someone deserving after hearing the earlier story...


So we got it yday and went to give it to her (supermarket girl)... You should've seen the happiness and surprise in her eyes and expressions....


She was so excited and asked my mum when it has to be returned. My mum smiled and told her she can keep it... She couldn't keep her happiness and excitement down and that really touched our hearts...


I would say it's her good timing too.. She's the really sweet sort where when you talk to her, you feel like when you want to help her in some way..


So yes, another good deed done and it felt nice.... :-)

Acceptance

Sometimes it's hard to accept some things in life. You may think about it on and off and brush if off your mind, but there will be days where it stays edged onto your mind and keeps rising to surface and that truth in those thoughts, though it's your reality, may actually hurt it strange ways.

Thought that acceptance would help.... would clear it up... but it doesn't really. Gets a bit harder at times... and I'm trying to figure out why these bad days pop up... Are they because of decisions that I take? the wrong kind maybe? Or is it because of how easily I let these thoughts take control and just live by till I see a bright day or hang onto a good moment that comes up? I'm really not sure....

Why these thoughts suddenly you may wonder?

I'm generally not the sort to talk to people about how I feel... because it's hard for me... even when it comes to really close friends. The only time I can actually open up and talk is when I'm drinking and the alcohol calms me and makes me talk. But this isn't healthy coz there are times where I've said more than I should have. But when with close friends, it's actually ok and brings a sense of relief. But that cannot possibly be the only way for me to feel better right? I cannot let that be the only way either....

Had a couple of instances today. Today being a half day, I came home early by 3ish and had time to sleep.... troubled sleep. At the end, I dreamt that I was eating an entire tub of ice cream to feel better...

I had a very difficult conversation with my colleague Thrada today. He didn't know that I lost my dad and I told him so much about it, while trying hard to fight away the tears. You may think that after nearly 7 years it would get better....but it doesn't. It's still just really hard. He has a daughter so he knows what it's like to have the daughter-father bond and love.

Then, I've got my insomnia nights on and off. I realised that these happened after my dad's passing away. Those days I had 3 close guy friends from my batch who would take turns to talk to me till I fell asleep and keep me sane and happy... I really miss that... really do. Now some are married, some have gone abroad and life has changed so much, but not my sleep habits.

Sometimes during nights like that, I just yearn to talk to someone till sleep comes to me.... but then, on and off, there are friends who keep me company but not as often as I like.. Besides, it's my problem and how can I possibly let others break their rest for me.... It's just not fair..

I yearn to forget the world I live in when I'm unhappy and sad.... Many a time, other than during the mornings, I can be a bubbly chirpy person.... but when the sadness sets in, it's just too much to handle....

I tend to get caught to the wrong things.... only because I'm in search of something... something that can act as a distraction... something to keep me temporarily happy....

That loneliness kills me over and over.... Sometimes I think and I wish my life could change in some way.... Accepting the fact about being lonely isn't easy at times..... knowing it and feeling it is just....disastrous!

I used to think I would be better off if my cousin brother was here.... him being so far away also adds to the pain... this state that I live in and fall into on and off....

It sucks to feel this way... really does... and if I counted the amount of tears that rolled down my cheeks as I typed this post, I think I would need a whole bottle.... or a heap of chocolates...