Acceptance

Sometimes it's hard to accept some things in life. You may think about it on and off and brush if off your mind, but there will be days where it stays edged onto your mind and keeps rising to surface and that truth in those thoughts, though it's your reality, may actually hurt it strange ways.

Thought that acceptance would help.... would clear it up... but it doesn't really. Gets a bit harder at times... and I'm trying to figure out why these bad days pop up... Are they because of decisions that I take? the wrong kind maybe? Or is it because of how easily I let these thoughts take control and just live by till I see a bright day or hang onto a good moment that comes up? I'm really not sure....

Why these thoughts suddenly you may wonder?

I'm generally not the sort to talk to people about how I feel... because it's hard for me... even when it comes to really close friends. The only time I can actually open up and talk is when I'm drinking and the alcohol calms me and makes me talk. But this isn't healthy coz there are times where I've said more than I should have. But when with close friends, it's actually ok and brings a sense of relief. But that cannot possibly be the only way for me to feel better right? I cannot let that be the only way either....

Had a couple of instances today. Today being a half day, I came home early by 3ish and had time to sleep.... troubled sleep. At the end, I dreamt that I was eating an entire tub of ice cream to feel better...

I had a very difficult conversation with my colleague Thrada today. He didn't know that I lost my dad and I told him so much about it, while trying hard to fight away the tears. You may think that after nearly 7 years it would get better....but it doesn't. It's still just really hard. He has a daughter so he knows what it's like to have the daughter-father bond and love.

Then, I've got my insomnia nights on and off. I realised that these happened after my dad's passing away. Those days I had 3 close guy friends from my batch who would take turns to talk to me till I fell asleep and keep me sane and happy... I really miss that... really do. Now some are married, some have gone abroad and life has changed so much, but not my sleep habits.

Sometimes during nights like that, I just yearn to talk to someone till sleep comes to me.... but then, on and off, there are friends who keep me company but not as often as I like.. Besides, it's my problem and how can I possibly let others break their rest for me.... It's just not fair..

I yearn to forget the world I live in when I'm unhappy and sad.... Many a time, other than during the mornings, I can be a bubbly chirpy person.... but when the sadness sets in, it's just too much to handle....

I tend to get caught to the wrong things.... only because I'm in search of something... something that can act as a distraction... something to keep me temporarily happy....

That loneliness kills me over and over.... Sometimes I think and I wish my life could change in some way.... Accepting the fact about being lonely isn't easy at times..... knowing it and feeling it is just....disastrous!

I used to think I would be better off if my cousin brother was here.... him being so far away also adds to the pain... this state that I live in and fall into on and off....

It sucks to feel this way... really does... and if I counted the amount of tears that rolled down my cheeks as I typed this post, I think I would need a whole bottle.... or a heap of chocolates...