I’m the girl….(2)

I’m the girl who made a list of 20 things to do/achieve for this year and realized that 7 have been ticked off. Better than I thought it would be! :)

I’m the girl who finally watched Captain American with a bunch of guys from office and didn’t think much of it, the movie that is… hopefully the next one will be good. Good thing we got free passes from a client to watch it.. =) I’m also the girl who was sugar high on chocolates and clapped when Captain America was applauded for his first brave act in the movie. Then before that, when he was topless for a few moments (of pure bliss), the guys were staring at me to see how I was looking at it and to capture my reactions..:) They won’t stop talking about it.

I’m the girl who, whenever I buy a handbag or shades, they seem to just get bigger than the previous one I had. But me like them very much! The bigger the better is the trend, ain’t it? ;) or.. the bigger the sexier… ;)

I’m the girl who has a thing for rally/drag racing cars and vehicles in general… A colleague has bought a Subaru Impreza which has a super awesome bodykit and fabulous accessories etc…. Only down side is the color of the car which is a light blue and he has his name stickered on the car with his blood type! I love cars…. Esp racing cars… I bugged him to take me on a ride… and oh man, one can never get enough! This one however is more like a mini nightclub on wheels… :-) even the lighting, inside and out, suit that concept.

I’m the girl who keeps hearing friends say that I will be a great mum one day. Makes me shudder and get goosebumps when I hear it. Maybe it’s the things I say, the way I deal with kids, the things I tell parents to do…. Esp with toddler development – thanks to the knowledge I gained when handling my previous brand. I think that brand really got me attached to it and developed my maternal instincts to a great height!

I’m the girl who is not a fan of bananas. But I like the long ones - the yummy ones. So when DQ, my overly protective, motherly, stalkerish and lovable friend does random supermarket visits, she remembers me when she sees the long bananas and gets me one, with much love. :)

I’m the girl who’s been lying to herself…. I think I’m ok but I’m just not.. get out of it LD! Get out naaaaoooowwww!! Sigh. It's also like a constant reminder that I keep missing out which is not to get close to people. I never get to have the people I want or need in my life... all are moved away in one way or the other... it happens all the time even with friends, family etc... it's just a constant reminder.. more like a slap back to my ugly reality...


TGIF! I hope I survive the weekend..... it's not been easy for a while...

Morning Story

Mum : LD, if I ask you something, will you be honest with me?

Me : umm...does it require me to lie at some point? Tough question?

Mum : LD! *in a stern voice*

Me: ok,ok, what is it?

Mum : Are you sad or hurt about something? Is something bothering you?

Me : Umm.. what made you ask that? *I looked away*

Mum : I sense you're upset though you don't show it much or talk about it.

Me : Nah... nothing really.

Mum : I brought you up. I know you. Though you appear to be strong, you break down inside sometimes.

Me : I'm getting late. Can you close the gate after I leave?

Mum : Hmm.. Budu Saranai.

And she sprinkled blessed water all over Mandy like she does every morning and muttered a prayer for safety. My safety.

Then she watches me drive away, till she sees the car no more...

It saddens me when I think of how she plans out her day afterwards to keep herself occupied, to keep herself from losing her mind. My brother and I lose ourselves in the IT and corporate world... and later, she waits...eagerly... till we return home late at night..

Her request is that I watch TV with her for a while and talk to her. at night.. which I do whenever I can..

There's so much that we take for granted....

One thing for sure, we can never repay them for everything they do, for all they've done... and for all they will do.... ever..

I’m the girl…

I’m the girl who has now got a healthy, or rather overly healthy appetite for food. So I’ve now resorted to taking health food for lunch – brown bread sandwiches. :)

I’m the girl who has taken a liking to Kelloggs Oats for breakfast – with a bit of sugar ofcourse and skimmed milk.

I’m the girl who got a suggestion from a friend to give my car a surname. Since it’s Mandy, suggested name was Amanda Tracy Cherry. I think it makes my baby sound like a tart or a prostitute. Just Mandy for my baby is fine I think.

I’m the girl who has gone without drinks for a while now. I’m totally fine without it! :)

I’m the girl who wants to have a Tibetan terrier.. since the bigger kinds are hard to maintain and control by myself or by my home folks right now.

I’m the girl who’s overly loaded with work! I need a break already…

I’m the girl who hasn’t been sleeping well the past few days… it gets painfully annoying… my mornings are not so great as a result..

I’m the girl who has been waiting to watch Captain America for over a week now…and eagerly waiting for Johnny English 2 to come..

I’m the girl who has a lot to say… but there’s just not enough time.

The eye doc

Remember this post?

My mum usually gets all sorts of eye tests done every 4-6 months and she had visited this doc last evening for same. It's to be safe and coz of her diabetes mainly.

I suddenly got a call from her around 4.30pm last evening, which was after her appointment and all I could hear was her laughing for a few mins and I was wondering what the hell was going on.

When she finally stopped and started talking to me, she said that the doc had remembered her and me and had asked her how I was and whether I was married by now.

When she said No, he had told her that he believes in God and had pulled out his diary and asked her to spell my name coz he was going to pray for me every single day asking God to find me a good husband!

My mum and the nurse had burst into fits of laughter and the doc had been serious. He had written my name and said he was going to pray for me.

I don’t know what kind of impression I leave with people. I don’t talk much. I wonder what made him remember me so much. Is it the way I talk? The things I tend to say? The way I look? Something that people see in me when they come in contact with me? My mannerism? I don’t know..

I generally get along very well with friends’ parents, friend’s better halves (boy friends, girl friends, husbands etc…) I know parents are usually very fond of me, God in heavens knows why!

Coming back, my mum couldn’t get it out of her mind. From 4.30pm last evening till now, I’ve heard this story 4 times already from her. She giggles with excitement, she’s pleased at the same time.. and then she laughs uncontrollably.

Dear Gods and everything else about nature, thank you for the patience you’ve given me and made me build over the years to bear this….

Mum is surprised, coz this doc gets way too many patients for a day and he still remembers me, the girl who sees him once a year.

:)

On a note

On a musical note:

My mum has a loud and high-pitch voice. She loves old music, like the ones sung by Angaline G, Latha W, Neela W etc etc....

She sings sometimes while cooking, listening to the radio or a cd, while doing household work etc... When she sings from downstairs, it can be heard all the way upstairs.. and the pitch can actually be deafening sometimes.

It's sweet really, and she's actually not bad in her singing... just that when some songs are sung on constant repeat and when it gets louder and louder, I can't help but wish the earplugs I wore for swimming hadn't expired and didn't have to be thrown away.

She has been singing a lot lately. Like EVERY single day.... morning and night... including noon on weekends...

She sings when she's happy, so I wouldn't want it to stop... 
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On a fairness note:

My mum has way too much free time on her hands. I tried to encourage her to join a NGO or charity organisation and help out. Her excuse is that she falls sick often and wouldn't be able to commit to something like that. But she does do all her good deeds somehow, and lately it's been saving many cows from being slaughtered and serving food at the Cancer hospital to the patients and buying them medication that she can afford etc..

She also manages to do a heap of other things. Like try out different brands of ayurvedic beauty products, check out shopping places, babysit the neighhbours kids with delight etc..

My mum and I have had constant debates on fairness creams and the colour of my skin. So I'm dark and she's fair. What can I do if I didn't get her complexion... and she needs to accept the fact that I'm totally fine with mine!

A few days ago, she had bought a heap of ayurvedic creams from some place and when I went to the pantry to check what was there for dinner, she started telling me about them. She was very excited that she found the perfect cream for me, for the marks I've started to get on my face and neck.

I initially thought it was a result of the chocolate overdose I had but it wasn't as I stopped, so it must be something else.

Anyhoo, she gave me the cream and told me to use it once a day and went on and on about it. I generally get a lot of stuff from her but hardly use them and she ends up using them..

So before accepting it, I read the label and asked her if it was a fairness cream in a stern voice.

She said 'no no... it's not a fairness cream, it just takes away the marks'

I said in an irritated voice 'then why does it say Fairness Cream in font size 16 on the front'?

She looked puzzled and said ' oh really? show me..'

Then she took a moment to think and said 'but why don't you try it anyway and see? It might be good'

I couldn't help smiling. She hadn't planned her tactic properly in this case! :-)
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On a hip note:


I've super broad hips.. something passed onto me by my grandma. I wish I had her hair instead of her hips, but what can one do about genetic disorders eh?

There are times when my mum says that she wishes she could just slice my hips off and then she would pinch me. Later she says, the only good thing is it looks good in saree and high heels.

So the last time she did it, I just turned around and said " Oh Ammie, you're just jealous that I've hips and you don't.... "

She said that there's no way in hell she was jealous about it.

Then a little while later, she came around and asked "So does it look funny that I don't have hips?"

She's the figure conscious and health conscious type you see. So I told her I was only bugging and not having broads hips isn't a bad thing at all.

I couldn't help smiling!!! :-)

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On a realisation note:

The silence that surrounds me is overwhelming sometimes.

Listening to my own thoughts, to the echo of my own words and feeling the sadness materialise kills me over and over..

But in the midst of it all, there is one thing that I've realised, the fact that I do not regret even for a moment having taken such a risk and having to go through all this, knowing who I'm and how emotionally vulnerable I'm... I do not regret. Every little thing that happened stays edged onto me as if I were emitting and generating a magnetic field of energy.

That realisation gives me a tinge of peace. We all have our weaknesses, our fears and doubts and so much more. Who I got to know was a lovely human being through whom I saw bits and pieces of myself too, someone who knew how to make me smile and someone who had a lot of human qualities and sensitivities in him. Someone who deserves a lot and what I saw was a klutzy yet nice human being.

I do wish, many a time, and think how much I would give in to have a chance with this - whether it works out or not, for one will never know what the outcome could be, what changes could be experienced,

I never thought I'll ever be in a situation where I would emotionally fall for something like this.

Who is he and why did he cross my path?

Why am I feeling all this and let it trouble me so much?

Perhaps I'll know someday... or I won't..


Now I'm off to listen to Jimmy Cliff's "I can see clearly now".. a happy song I need to hear.




Have a great week all of you! :-)

What would you say?

What do you tell a poor old lady who :

- Pours her heart out to you while holding your hand and....

- Tells you, your remind her of your father and extends her hand to feel your face..

- Then tells you she is tired of living life as she's old and sick and everyday wonders why she isn't dying yet as all she wants to do is move onto her next life... yet shudders at the thought of death.


My heart shatters at moments like this. I can give her money, I can buy her things, but I can never change the way she feels... or bear her pain for her..

Unwinding thoughts...

Unspoken thoughts lie around in my head

Unwritten words latch onto this heart of mine

Untethered feelings bring me down endlessly

Uninterrupted are the moments filled with thoughts of you

Undefined are the boundaries through which this mind travels

Unliked are the dark feelings and sadness that has occurred

Unplanned was the entire sudden episode which took place

Underestimated was the effort required to deal with these emotions

Uncried are tears which have been blocked away with difficulty

Unpleasant are the mood swings and the misery this has brought

Unprepared I was, for what was building inside of me, for you

Underway is the voice within, a silent whisper with hope, wishing things could be different

Undecided is the step to take, to help myself out of this….

Unfinished are the streams of words, thoughts and feelings which are flowing freely at this moment…

This and that

Movies watched in the past few days - Bad Teacher, Friends with benefits, The Stoning of Soraya M, Boomerang (an old movie), Hangover 2 & Super 8.

Has anyone watched Captain America? I hope to watch it sometime. But I hear not so great reviews about it.

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Books - I'm currently reading a series by Sue Townsend - the series of Adrian Mole. It's bloody hilarious! The kind of book which adds some laughter to the end of the day when the night reading commences. I'm on the second book out of 4 already in 3 days..:) Plus I got a few books on jokes from my former boss. I really could use the humour. Most of them are sex jokes, the kind we don't see on email and are damn funny. :-)

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Whenever there are dummy shoots done for visuals, and if a car is needed, mine is the one that's always used. I don't know why. So we had one last week, and I was asked to come too as they needed a female hand with nails.

So I went. Remember the guy who calls me 'little princess'? He was supposed to be the driver and I his wife. He had to place his hand over the gear and I had to place mine hand on his. He's flirty & says vulgar things at times, not with any bad intentions though. :)  He asked the photographer if his hand is the only thing I get to touch! lol

Then, later on, he had to sit in the passenger seat and feel the dashboard pretending to be the guy who bought his first car... so then he turned around and asked 'so, I only get to feel the car and not the owner?'

aaahhh.. flirty old men. so quick with their lines. :-)

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I'm a fan of Nigella Lawson. I used to try out some of her recipes and I think I've blogged about the baking I've done too. One day, I hope I can talk like her... sexy accent, the tone and the British humour.....which is entertaining. :-)

Have you seen this clip? ;) It's called Nigella Talks Dirty. Just cuts from different shows..:)

A Wish

One day long long ago, when I was really really bored at home and feeling restless, I decided to let everyone at home know how I felt. I must've been about 13 yrs of age at that time. It was late at night and my dad then decided to take his favourite girl for a nice long drive,coz he was bored too.

If I remember right, I think my brother joined too. It was a nice long drive with bright city lights and clear roads. Sitting next to him in silence, cruising along felt so good. It felt safe, beautiful and carefree. It felt like I had a hero in my life who would always be there for me and every problem felt like it was nothing. It felt calming and re-assuring. How I wish I could re-live those precious moments again, to feel the warmth, love, calmness and security....

I sometimes wonder how much my mum must be missing him. Every time she dreams about him, she says it's always linked to me and happy dreams keep her smiling throughout the day.

If I had one wish, I would wish that she could have him again more than me coz in his absence, she has done more for me than anyone else and she deserves it.

I only know the pain of losing my father. I do not know the pain of losing a husband with all responsibilities falling onto me.

I do not know the pain she feels with every tear that falls from her eyes.

 I do not know the fear she lives with day in and day out.

I do not know the loneliness she feels or the emptiness inside her.

I do not know how much she misses the love and care of her husband.

I just wish that in lives to come, she should never have to go through pain and loss again coz I don't think she deserves it.

May her sins perish and her merits multiply. This is the most sincere and heartfelt wish her daughter has for her.

This is my wish when I pray for her.

Another Dental Story

Non of my dental experiences are pleasant ones. I’ve been wanting to get my teeth cleaned since last week as I haven’t done it in like 2 yrs! So after bugging my mum about it, we tried out a dentist who’s in my area last evening. We had to wait for over an hour and then when I finally went in, I was pleased to see a rather nice lady dentist who was very pleasant but couldn’t speak English much.

So after telling her why I was there, she examined my teeth. I don’t know if dentists tell this to everyone, but they always tell me that I have good teeth (which I think is bullocks coz I’ve got 2 fillings and never ending wisdom problems) and then they say I’ve got nice teeth. I mean seriously, can’t they see that the teeth on my right side have come up in stubborn ways?

Anyhoo, the thing about this dentist is that she was extremely messy. The nurse was a total crackpot. She forgot half her duties and kept drifting off to her own version of wonderland. This is when I realized that the dentist wasn’t so sweet as she kept talking to the nurse very sternly where I kept feeling bad for the way she spoke.

The water and whatever kept spraying all over my face and I could feel drool and water flowing from either side towards my neck and as much as I wanted to scream and get off, I couldn’t. 

Reason - the nurse was busy daydreaming that she kept forgetting to hold in the suction tube thingy.

So, I closed my eyes and waited till she finished up what I came for.

What did my mind drift off to at that time?

I kept thinking of all the compliments I’ve got for my teeth and smile.

I remembered the first time a classmate looked at me when I was smiling about something and then suddenly said ‘You know LD, I always wanted to tell you that you’ve really nice teeth.’

I felt odd for some reason when I heard it.

Then I thought of all the times people told me I had a nice smile. Who knows, I’ll just take their word for it.

Then I once had a conversation some time back with D-girl where she wanted to go to a pub and try innovative pick-up lines with random good looking men. We were high laughing at the plan and contents of our conversation and she then went to the extent of naming us. She said we were going to be the ‘Dimple Duo’ of the night. We both have dimples when we smile, obviously. :)

Ok, back to my teeth now. So once it was done, and I walked out of memory lane, I checked my teeth to see if going through that messy process was worth it.

It was. I smiled wide and asked my mum if it was sparkly. She thought I was going nuts.

Correction - She thought I was getting 'nuttier'. ;)

Sleep Deprived

I've written before that I've a weird form of Insomnia. I sometimes hardly get more than 3 hrs of sleep for a day for weeks and then need to crash for about a week to sleep for all that I've missed. Not fun! and this has been happening for like the last year I think.

Doctors will not give me any pills for this as I've Asthma and they cannot risk it as sleeping pills reduce the heart rate...is what I'm told.

Then various people have told me to meditate, read boring text books before going to sleep, masturbate, drink milk, exercise and all sorts of things and nothing has worked..

My mum wouldn't allow me to read books or watch movies in the middle of the night, she tells me to pray and sleep. No matter how much I've tried that, it doesn't work either.

So I listen to music, used to talk to friends... well it used to be my cousin, then a good batch mate who has now flown to the world down under and my other friend D-girl who is now living with her in-laws and having a hard time surviving there etc....

Sometimes, it really gets to me. It gets to me coz I end up thinking of things I need to push away from my mind... or if I'm really tired and desperately want to sleep and I can't, it gets even worse. Tossing and turning every few mins, with nothing but the sound of the fan filling up my ears isn't really pleasant... when all I'm hoping for is sleep...

A week ago, I just couldn't take it, and so went to the Health guard pharmacy near my office and had a chat with the pharmacist who happens to be pally with me. I asked her if there were any sleeping pills coz cough syrups and Piriton doesn't work at all no matter what the dose is.

She just looked at me, wide eyed, and said there are a few options.

I then asked her if she's allowed to actually give me sleeping pills without a prescription!

She smiled and said that she could, but that there are side effects.

So out of curiosity, I asked her what they were. They ranged from nausea, to feeling dizzy, to feeling drowsy and having a headache the next day etc.....

I said 'No thanks, it's ok' and walked out.

The Monday emergency

 On Monday evening, I wasn’t feeling too well, obviously, and so left work early. Saw a new clothes shop had opened up on the route I take to go home and stopped by with a colleague to check the place out. While oogling around the accessories section and collecting funky chains and earrings as my colleague watched me with utter fascination, I got a call from a friend. The one who said his world stops when I talk.

He said he had a life and death situation of a problem and needed to drink with me and our dear friend Lost Soul as we 3 are quite close.

So I said I was ok to meet. Got hold of LS with the greatest difficulty, got him to leave office early and then ran to the check out counter with my chains and ran to meet the 2 boys.

So we met, ate, I watched them drink non-stop. They will not stop pushing me to have drinks. Seriously, not cool sometimes. But since I was sick resisting was that much easier.:)

Listened to the problem, which was indeed a life and death situation. More like, to do or not to do. Tough one but I’m glad that both LS and I talked sense! I was impressed with myself! God, I’ve matured so much more than I knew.. =) lol

Anyhoo, once that was settled and friend thanked us and agreed with all what we said, it was our turn. I got the most bad ass advice ever from friend and I whole-heartedly forgive him as he was pretty high and couldn’t really walk straight and was talking loudly too. But I must say I was influenced for a day by what he said and actually thought about it. Then later managed to clear my head all thanks for DQ..:) who happens to know me bestest!!! :-)

It was a fun Monday night. A problem filled night turned into much laughter and joy at the end of it.

Simple pleasures of life. Things that keep us going some times…. I’m so glad I was actually able to help someone.. :-)

On a different note, dear weekend, pls come soon.... I need some rest! 

Misplaced keys

I’m officially sick again. Fever, cold, throat pain and the works. To make it worse, the thought of not having leave and the workload does makes it even worse I think. So from 3pm last afternoon I was waiting to go home and when I finally went home it was 7.30pm.

My mum called me on the way to tell me that no one’s home as she has gone with my relations for an almsgiving to an orphanage which has mentally handicapped girls.

So after getting home, I parked the car inside, closed the gate behind me and then started looking for the house key.

It wasn’t there to be found in the usual place that I keep it.

I panicked.

I started taking everything out of my handbag, putting it all on the passenger seat of my car and started looking for the key and still couldn’t find it. Then I remembered, half an hour later, that it was in my other handbag.

This is the first time ever, that something like this happened to me.

So I called my mum and told her the story. She then claimed to be half an hour away and that she will make it home as soon as she could.

I then updated my FB status.

Then I called my bro to see where he was and told him my sad story. He tried to make me psychologically feel at ease by saying he’ll take 25 mins to come home and that he’s in the bus. Seriously? I told him that he can take his time.

Then I started walking in the garden, exploring the new things that have been growing. We’ve one area with ‘saman pichcha’ flowers and even with my blocked nose, I could get the fragrance of the blooming flowers.

I then sat on the doorstep, and started checking out apps on my phone.

Then my mum called to keep me company and tell me she got my horoscope checked by an astrologer to whom her best friend and her entire family goes to. She only got mine checked and was pretty impressed. So she shared everything with me and I was impressed too. Since I wasn’t born here, getting an accurate reading on mine isn’t an easy task. But I must say, I was damn impressed.:) She was a bit shaky to tell me as she knows I don't go behind them much. :-)

I loved the things he said.. Lets hope they work! :-)

So listened to all that, then saw a concerned neighbor coming my way. And then finally, my mother came home. And 5 mins later, so did my brother.

Sitting on my doorstep, with the nice weather and drizzle felt really nice. It felt peaceful and free.  

Distorted thoughts

Day before y-day we went to my cousin’s place to say our goodbyes and to give him some stuff to take with him. My mum as always advised him on the same old stuff which started with health & fitness. She will never stop, just goes on like a broken record. In fact my cousin said he prepared himself for it.:) but preparation is ever enough for the real thing..;-) oh, our mums. Irritatingly sweet.

One thing I felt there was harmony and fun. In the neighbouring area, there are some relations residing and they all have kids. So altogether with my cousin, there are 5. They’re always together. Different ages, like from 28 to 10. But it’s so much fun. They’re lively, bugging eachother all the time. They fight, make fun of each other, do crazy things…. Ever since my cousin lost his mum, everyone got very close and the 5 keep each other company.

Made me realize how much I miss that life. When I was young it used to be that way. Not really with a lot of kids, but with family. My dad was a fun character. He and I used to bug my mum and others so much till we all died laughing. Then my grandparents were highly buggable too. My mum isn’t so much like that, but once she gets into the mood, there’s no stopping her, esp when she’s with her friends.

We used to play with our neighbours a lot. I played cricket every evening, can you believe that? :D

One good thing about my dad’s family is that most of them are blessed with an amazing sense of humour.

Now, home life is so different. Grandparents are no more.  Mum doesn’t really bug. Then again, she was usually the bugged target. My brother has just grown and he’s very silent. So I bug him when I’m in the mood.  I miss walking into a place where things used to be lively.  It only changes when our uncles visit.

Someday I wish I could be a part of a family with lively, fun and crazy people. Someday, a long way from now that is. So that the real me, can re-appear.

There was something I once told my mum some time ago  which seems to have hit her a lot and she repeated it to my cousin and uncle at the earlier mentioned visit. She said that I once told her that I prefer a job that takes up all my time and makes me work late, as it keeps me occupied coz I don’t have anything else to do. Also coz it would keep my mind occupied and away from a lot of things. I think it made her feel helpless. But this is what I want and what helps me. I hope she understands that the way I meant it.