Pain

I copied Charm Bracelet's latest post title coz it's exactly what I had in mind.. Sowie about it...

4 years ago, on this day, I knew I was going to feel something terrible but never knew that it would be the worst pain in my life. It was the day I got a call saying my dad was in hospital. This was about the man I dropped to work that morning and the man who seemed perfectly normal but we didn't have much conversation that day and early that week, he handed me pocket money coz he knew what a spendthrift I was and wanted to make sure I always had extra money with me to be safe.

When I got the call, I lost my balance and my head was spinning in ways I can't imagine right now. Then I heard the story and since it was late in the night, my mum said I should go see him the next morning.

Then the next day the doctor breaks the news that he has had high blood pressure and well, he never took medication coz he was into a lot of meditation and kept it controlled through that. This is never recommended but there's this thing where most men hate taking medication and it has to be forced so much and with some others, it just doesn't work.

So we were told that he has had blood clots in his brain and they had burst causing too much internal bleeding and it was too late by the time the doctors figured out. Earlier the doctors had thought it was heart related coz he had just collapsed in office and lost consciousness and when he was taken to the hospital the first thing the doctors saw was his huge surgical mark on his chest which was from a 'hole in the heart' operation which was done a few decades ago. So yes, the diagnosis had gone wrong and all I could think of was that the time had come and it was so unfair...

He was actually living on a machine that day.. he never responded to anything... and when I went to see him, all I could see was my father lying in the MICU with machines and monitors attached to him from everywhere... and his chest going up and down with the help of the machine.. The only thing he responded to was by moving his hand a little when my mother loudly said that I was there standing next to him. Watching him like this, I had no strength, no life in me, only tears streaming down my cheeks uncontrollably.

A few minutes after we left, we get the most dreaded call saying his situation was really bad and that we were needed there and I just knew what it was. I felt it..

Never in my life have I faced or experienced any worst pain...I do not have words to say how bad it was... or how bad it still is. This image is stuck in my head..the image of him in hospital and it only makes me drown myself in tears.

The time had to come.. and it's never fair... but I hope he's in a better place. This may sound crazy, but there were times when I could feel him.. when I would see him in my dreams so much and when those dreams would come true... about things he would say to me... but since of late, I haven't felt him.. or seen him... and it makes me think he has moved on to where he has to be next...

I have no fear coz I've seen all the good he has done in his life.. how much he struggled to help other people.. there are people who have a roof over their heads because of his generous contributions... there are people who call him a blessing coz he had helped so much...there are monks who say that my father's contributions have helped them tremendously.. and all this makes me confident that he is born in a better place... and I know that I was his favourite.. always..and knowing that he was always proud of me, makes me think I managed to do what I can while he was still alive...But I'm sad that this is the time I can give him more and make him even more proud.. and he's not there for any of it...

And to think that he planned a party for me on my 21st b'day.....and instead I had to watch him get cremated on that day.... will not really allow me to have much fun on that day...but with time to come, I hope I can move on...

Funerals and monthly blues

I really don't feel like going to funerals. I hate them. Then again, I'm sure no one likes them. Everytime I go for one, I keep getting flashes of what happened at my dad's one.. It's a nightmare that keeps coming alive over and over....

Last morning, I got a call saying that a uni batchmate's dad died. Funeral is tomorrow and I'm thinking I should take the day off and go coz it's all the way in Negombo. She and her family helped me a lot when my dad died.. She actually volunteered and got all the seafood we needed for my dad's 7 days almsgiving and brought it cooked all the way from Negombo..This was for a crowd of almost 500 people if I remember right. I'll never forget all what my friends have done for me.. So I guess the least I could do is go and help her...

But I know it's going to be really difficult.. I can't bear to look at fathers in coffins.. it just drives me crazy... and as bad as it may sound, I also feel sad when I see my friends with their fathers and think of how lucky they're to still have them around.. and feel even sad when they don't appreciate their dads and all what they do.

I think I'll take my mum with me coz she wants to go too..... and last night, sleeping was a nightmare coz like I said, I kept getting flashes of my dad's funeral and it wasn't easy....

But, this time monthly blues has surprisingly come at the right coz I always have to take a lot of painkillers and this gets me sleepy and high.. and that's what I'm feeling right now on this Monday morning.. and I'm feeling sad that I'll be turning 25 pretty soon and I'm SO old! *sigh*

How's everyone else?

Lightning strikes

It's like being hit by a bolt of lightning..... which leaves your world spinning and spinning.. until you try to grab a hold of something to gain your balance..

I've mentioned something here. It's apparently happening really soon.... Maybe in a few days or few weeks.... I don't know.... but soon... and as strange as it may sound.. it hurts.. and also feels strange... it's this mystical feeling that I can't quite explain... and I just don't want to know about these things.

So what I did was go for a long jog by myself to clear my head for a while last evening. As I jogged a few rounds and my emotions were still unsettled, a lady appeared from no where and said "I've noticed you come for jogs with a friend. But since she's not here today I will join and talk to you".

I don't know what made her do it...but it was much better. I now know a lot of details about her life including all the loans and values she has taken for her family and children! I was more of a listener than a talker but she was certainly good in distracting me. I did more rounds that usual and was physically tired out.

Then got home... had a cold shower... drowned myself in iced white wine and a huge slab of chocolates and hit the bed.

I'm alright at the moment... Just went for a pedicure with DramaQueen while she got herself a foot massage. Thanks so much DQ coz I did feel better and coz of that I didn't feel like telling you about it. Besides, there was a sign that said "no talking" and "Shhhhh"..:) thanks so much!

And now, I'm just trying to hold my balance.. I know I will be ok... just a little hard again....

And lightning strikes again...

About the 'hot-ness'

I was just going through my junk mails and found the below article which was forwarded by a friend.



Heat wave can cause emotional unrest

by Dilanthi Jayamanne

The unbearable heat condition prevailing in the country could affect the emotions of people. It could cause depression, sudden anger, a sense of disappointment and suicide. Medical sources said yesterday (20) that the only solution to these environmental conditions is to consume, cold water and tea and wearing cotton garments.

The earth’s axis is tilted by 90 degrees bringing Sri Lanka closer to the sun causing intense heat despite the gloomy weather at times. The heat wave in the Bay of Bengal has intensified the conditions. The heat not only affects humans but also animals, they said. This could lead to sudden bouts of anger, assault, depression, and even suicide, they said.

These weather conditions are seen during the month of April and September.

"We should remember that these emotional drawbacks are not caused by some sickness in us but because of this minute inconvenience which would pass away by next month or so," sources said. Therefore one must take precautionary measures by not even setting fire to debris in our gardens, sources cautioned.

The Health Ministry urged people not to let their emotions get the better of them by remembering that these are only passing inconveniences.


Hmmmm......

SO hot!

No, I'm not talking about guys... or women for that matter.. it's this weather... It's so damn hot! staying at home is a nightmare considering the fact that the air-con isn't working.. and mum's saying learn to bear it and no air-con coz electricity bills need to be reduced! gah!

The last couple of days, I've been having multiple showers just to feel better... even sleeping at night is usually drenched in sweat eventhough my bed is right under the fan and it's on high!

I love it when it rains and when it's windy.. hope it rains soooooon!!

Oh and Mandy is still not back..:s can't find the petrol pump motor thingy coz most spare part shops are closed! what a damned curse! I've been travelling in tuktuks and it's already costed me a fortune! gah! what a bloody start!

My poor Mandy

First of all, let me wish all of you a fabulous new year... hope it would be the beginning of a great new year to all of you..

We had a great lunch at a family friend's place in Negombo and the best part about it was yummy-cious fresh prawns!!!:)

Late in the evening, I took my family to a well known temple...Devrum Vehera.. and as we were leaving, Mandy (car) just didn't hold onto the start and didn't move..:( I've never really had problems with it before and it's a little over an year since I bought her.

It was getting late and we tried what we could... couldn't really find people to fix it but a few good neighbours came to help. Since the temple closes at 10pm, we had to leave her there and come. The problem is a petrol block... Dunno how it happened coz I'm one of those people who top up the tank everytime it hits half tank.. and well, I should check whether the filters were changed at the service..

The temple has so many valuable stuff and so there's police guard till morning and the cops assured us that they would take care of it and took our details.. I just hope she's safe..:(

I've cried in that car... screamed with anger and frustration... shouted out in joy... and talked endlessly to myself and to Mandy... I'm fond of her and love her.. and I miss her right now...:S

Hope the problem can be sorted tomorrow...:S

What a start! sigh..

Trip to Katharagama and the case of the missing g-string

We left Colombo at about 7am on Thursday morning and I was with a friend who came down for vacation from Melbourne and her parents. I thought it might turn out to be boring but it wasn’t. It turned out to be fun, annoying at times but eventful..:)

The main aim of this was to go to the Katharagama Devale and pray…asking for one thing that we each needed. We stayed at the best hotel that Katharagama had called Mandara Rosen which I must say was pretty good and an insomniac like me actually slept a lot!

So on the way to K, the parents were talking to me and offering me so much of food… we went in their Micro suv/jeep which I must say is pretty good and quite comfortable.. I’m actually thinking of checking out one of them….

Friend’s mum had brought along a cd collection which ONLY had 3 cds! Jothipala, Nanda Malini and one of that bald dark guy who sings ‘Savandari’ (I think his name is Sangeeth) and they LOVED that song and kept replaying it a lot! My friend and I were trying to get the hang of it and finally we ended up singing a lot of Jothipala! Can you believe it???

My friend’s mum’s a reputed doctor and dad an engineer. Her dad was so sweet and quiet while the mum kept on talking and advicing and asking us all sorts of questions… this also opened my eyes to something.. MOST parents are the same and they just don’t get it or change… I only hope we don’t turn out to be like that! Now my friend is very impatient and she screams at her parents in the most ugliest ways possible… and I feel sorry for them sometimes…

So, we went to the temple in time for the pooja and since it was Poya, it was quite packed. Eventhough they consider themselves a Buddhist family, and eventhough that aunty listens to some preachings and does a little meditation she didn’t really know to pray or the ritual of going to the Kiriwehera first and praying and gaining merit and then making offerings to the Gods..

In fact, I don’t know much myself but I follow what my parents have thought me and still teach me and I txted my mum saying thanks for the things she thought me coz these people didn’t know much and they followed everything I said and mum felt good about it..:) In fact I don’t know a lot of prayers either but what I knew, they wanted me to say it out loud so they can worship and follow me and it really felt nice..:)

Oh and I loved to see the elephant walk around the Chaithiya (stupa) and offer flowers and worship.. it looked lovely!

So friend and I bought two huge fruit offerings and we had a really hard time carrying them into the devale but when everything was done, I felt really good and so…fulfilled… I can’t quite explain it but I really felt good and wish I could do this more often….

There was a point where aunty, for a brief moment, forgot my name and made this comment about how she’s old and her brain cells are dying and that’s why she forgets my name on and off.. and you know what? My mum’s the same! She says weird ass stuff like that and it was nothing new to me… But in a way, quite sad also to see parents get old and change…. I wish my dad was around and I wish I could’ve done things for him. Infact when my dad was there, we would go to K once every year and this is the first time I went without him since he passed away…. It felt different.. but I did things on my own and it felt good in a way.

The pool in the hotel actually looked lovely and it was so tempting to get in for a swim..but sadly friend nor I had any swim-wear and we were wondering what to do until friend got this brilliant idea to jump in with undies (fully covered ones) and a t-shirt late at night… which seemed alright coz there weren’t too many people and it’s unlikely that people would jump into a pool after 9pm.. it took my friend a long time to convince me to do this and her mum was actually supportive of this! So when I finally said ok, her mum found out that the pool was closed after 8pm so it was out of the plan..phew!

We also had a gala time travelling the next day buying and eating isso wadey (prawn), fish, watermelon, corn, dodol, etc etc… But you know, this family wasn’t exactly the ‘tripping’ type.. they wouldn’t walk around much.. they don’t walk around finding places to explore and they don’t seem to enjoy nature much and look at the glorious places this countryside had… it was sad for me in that way coz I like to walk around and check out places and be enfolded in nature… but this was a good getaway from home so I’m not going to complain much..:)

This story wouldn’t be complete without the case of the missing g-string! My friend is very messy and she leaves things all over the place! She and I shared a double-room room and it was very messy with her! When we were getting ready to go to the temple, I saw one of her g-strings lying on the floor near her side of the bed.. I didn’t think telling her would make a difference so we went….

When we came back, the mess had been cleared and my friend was very upset coz her sexy g-string was missing! She told her mum about it and really wanted to find it.. but how to ask those house-keeping boys coz it’s so embarrassing. But aunty, the mighty warrior decided she would do this lovely deed for her daughter and the next day when we were leaving, the house-keeping boy appeared and aunty actually asked him this “eeye ogullo kamare askaranakota, redi kellak nikung pankadayak wage ekak bime thibbada?”

That means “when you were cleaning y-day, did you find a little piece of cloth lying on the floor?” Friend and I were so embarrassed that we walked away from the room while aunty did the talking. The house keeping boy hadn’t said anything and had walked in with aunty and lifted one of the folded towels and pointed at the g-string and asked whether that’s what she was looking for. And she thanked the boy and took it!

Friend and I were laughing our asses off and aunty called herself a brave woman and her daughter a worthless person coz she couldn’t do things herself… Actually one thing I felt bad about was her parents constantly comparing me to my friend and asking her why she couldn’t be like me…. Coz my friend is uncontrollable and she does what she wants and never listens to her parents… she just screams at them and walks away.. which I don’t think should be an adult’s behaviour coz her parents only mean well and it’s not like we get to be with parentd for long.. and her mum also tells me that she’s wicked and the day she gets married, the in-laws will be screwed and the man needs to be blessed!

Amen to that!

Anyways, it was quite an eventful and insightful trip… and Dee, I went looking for your jambola but it’s apparently not the season.. sorry babes..:S

Hmmm… I hope I didn’t miss any of the other interesting details..

Oh and aunty also gave me and friend a piece of advice and said it will be the best wedding gift ever! She said ….”In marriage, you need to be.. sometimes blind.. sometimes deaf.. and sometimes dumb… and you’ll thank me some day for saying this….”

And she gave lots of examples and said life does not come easy…:)

When it was all over and they dropped me home, aunty actually thanked my mum for sending me coz she said it was a difference and it was entertaining..:)

I felt good! I sound like an excited kid noh? How sad.... And now I’m bored…..

Also, there isn’t an order in my writing here coz I’m lazy to write it out properly…

I want to feel rain and cool weather and Zzzzzzzzzzzz…

Moments of solitude

Watching the rain

Listening to the heavy drops splatter on the ground

Sipping a glass of white wine

Wondering whether to watch Bride Wars or not...dvd paused in player..

This feeling deep inside... creeps up and holds me down...

Making me feel isolated and numb.....



The taste of the wine lingers in my mouth....

One sip after another, I mindlessly take..

Why do I feel so strange and empty....

I'm finding a way to move out

Of this misery that beholds me.

It's been a while..

Since I last blogged... eventhough I've been swamped with work, I could always find a little window of time to blog but I just never got into the mood to do so...

In my yoga class over the weekend, we started with some difficult yoga postures and exercises called Kundalini and well, it didn't seem hard so I did them.. and one of those seem to have upset my back again and it's hurting like mad where my spine ends!! I didn't think I could walk today but thanks to painkillers I'm able to get about..

On saturday afternoon, went to do a bit of shopping with mum and on our way back we passed Police park... so I stopped and bought loads of Mangoosteen and one HUGE durian which I got the guy to cut and give me the pieces.. and yes it is bloody expensive! and you know what? After washing the car y-day it still slightly has the weird Durian smell in it! argh!

A friend is down from Aussie....and she's going to Katharagama just before New year with her parents and they all want me to join them... atleast that will keep me from going insane coz otherwise I would've been stuck at home... So hoping to go with them..

Other than that, I'm just bored.. back at work... and I'm so glad it's just a 3 day working week..:)I don't really look forward to New year anymore.. last year this time I thought it would get better for me.. and it didn't... so I'm not sure what to think anymore...